Why I’d never make it in the city

So I was standing outside smoking because I'm not allowed to smoke in the house.

I was standing outside smoking and I heard this guy scream, "God Dammit!!!!!!"

Then, I heard his voice again and it sounded really close and he was shouting, "I'm gonna kill you!"

But it sounded really close. So I panicked, and ran to the front door with all speed I have in my short legs and then I stood there for a moment.

And just as I was about to make it into the house where it was safe, I saw that it was a teenage boy stomping down the street, probably after a fight with his mother, or girlfriend, muttering such things as, "Fucking bitch. Fucking stupid bitch."

I was so relived because I though for sure that someone was gonna kill me.

A few months ago, I had another scare while I was out smoking were I thought I had head footsteps. In fact, I was sure something was out there in the shadows.

Just as I was running for the front door I turned around and realized that it was just my neighbor's dog.

This, of course, gives clear indication of the fact that I would never make it in the city.

If I was living in the city, I bet I'd be really high strung. Whenever I'd hear a car backfire, I'd drop to the ground for fear of gun shots.

All the locks on my doors would be locked. The shades would be drawn. I'd never go outside after dark.

Probably, if I moved to the city I would quit smoking because then I'd REALLY be afraid to go outside to smoke. None of this, dog in the bushes, teenage boys yelling, garbage.

Oh no, I'd probably have bums soliciting me for cigarettes. Prostitutes hanging outside my house would probably come over and try to buy Marlboros off me for quarters.

It would be terrible, I'll bet, if I lived in the city. I'd have to change my lifestyle completely. I'd for sure have to stop smoking then.