I’m like a trick-or-treating genius

Well, Nikki is 4 now, so she's about the right age to start getting excited about Halloween. She informed me tonight that she and I are both going trick-or-treating this year dressed as cheerleaders.
That's when I sat her down, and I tried to explain to her that Halloween is no joke.

You can't go screwing around with lazy costumes if you want to get the most candy.

When you're little like that, you've got to use the cuteness factor to your advantage in order to get the good candy.

I tried to explain to her that there are people out there in this world who are only gonna give her one lollypop or one candy bar.
But if she's cute, those cheap bastards will shell out far more candy for her trick-or-treating efforts.

So, I told her, "Nikki," I said, "The best costume for a person your age, at this time in your life, is to dress up like a squirrel who is also a fire fighter."

She said, "No."

I couldn't believe it.

I got shot down again.

For years, I tried to get my little brother, Dougie, to dress up like a fire fighting squirrel.

I had a whole tick-or-treat game plan all worked out.

He was going to be irresistibly cute.
I had a map and a plan.

We were gonna take my car. I had a strategy all worked out for hitting different subdivisions up for their candy.

I even had my own pillowcase, so I could get some candy on the side too, since I was too old tick-or-treat back then.

I was going to take a 50% cut of all the candy, for the use of the car, and my master plans.

The first year, he refused to cooperate with any of my costume ideas. The second year, he refused me again, and then, once he got old enough, he wouldn't go trick-or-treating with me at all.

None of the little kids will trick-or-treat with me anymore.

That's why it was so exciting for me when it looked like Nikki might be my, 'Little trick-or-treater', but this kid too is refusing the fire fighting squirrel costume, and something tells me she'll be hiding her Halloween candy soon too.

I don't understand why little kids can't see that if I can get them 100% more candy, than a 50% cut of the candy actually means that they have lost no candy.

It's a win-win situation.

And what if I could actually help them bring in 200% more candy, which is a possibility if they dress up as something irresistibly cute, like a fire-fighting squirrel.

No one can resist a 4 year old dressed as a squirrel who also happens to be a fire fighter.

It can't fail.

200% more candy means that even if I did take 50%, you'd still have 100% more candy than you would have had if you dressed yourself up in some 'dumb' costume.

And, what's more is that, is to Trick-or-treat in a car is better and faster than on foot.

I know that sometimes, it's a good idea to travel on foot too, but you have to have the car. And you should pay the driver of your car for their time and efforts.

And I know where to go for the candy too. Ok. Even though I'm too old to go myself, I still remember the areas to hit up.

I know what I'm talking about.

I'm like a trick-or-treating genius over here, and no one will listen to me.