Bad News

Bad news, rap is no longer cool.

You heard it here first, folks. Gone are the days when getting huge subwoofers and blasting your stereo so loudly that the vibrations rattled your car apart was 'cool'.

Why is this the case, you ask?

Well, I'll tell you.

Rap is no longer cool because my mom has decided that 'Gangster Rap' is her favorite type of music.

She's been rolling around town listening to Snoop Dog, Too Short, and Fifty Cent.

She's got subwoofers in her trunk and if you get into her car she won't let you turn the rap music down.

I told her I'd go with to the store the other day , and when she showed up to the house, her car was rattling from the loud rap music. I just stood in the driveway until she agreed to turn her 'toons' down.

Then, when I was trying to talk to her, for no reason she just started rapping, only not really because she can't rap.

I was like, "Mom, I don't want to insult you, but would you please turn the music down when I'm in the car? I don't want to go deaf."

So she goes, "Are you a gangster, bitch you need to stop fronting. Don't even give a shit, but you need to stop fronting."

Or some dumb shit like that.

And I was just like, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I'm starting to think it may be some sort of a mid life crisis that she's going through.

I told her that if she doesn't knock it off with the gangster rap that I was going to record her trying to rap, and then send a copy of the video to all the rappers in the world.

Then, I'm going to sit down and write a letter telling Snoop Dog, and all the rest, to tell them that rap has gone too main stream now to be 'cool'.

Indeed, it is true that when white women from little towns think they are 'balling' and that they 'live in a crib' there is a problem.

I mean, I told her that she wasn't even speaking the gangster talk properly, because she just wasn't.

We were in the store and while checking out the groceries we went to pick up, she said to me, right in front of the cashier, and I quote,

"Are you ready to bounce, dawg?"

And I was just like, "Bounce, you say?"

And then she said, "We have to get back to the crib. I'm gonna kick it with a forty."

So I said, "What?" This whole time the cashier was staring at us so I attempted to look confused.

So then she said, "Roll with dat."

I don't even know where she thinks she learned how to speak 'Ebonics' or whatever it's called that she's trying to mimic.

She lives in a small town. She's 46 years old.

She's never 'kicked it in the hood.'

I'm not making this up. I brought the topic up in an IM chat with her tonight, and here's what she said:
*******

My Mom: Terrible... damn dwag... as I roll to what... oops... I'm supposed to be OLD... what am I doing?

Me: I KNEW IT. THIS IS ALL PART OF A MIDLIFE CRISIS

My Mom: Dwag... you having a midlife crisis?

Me: Only if I'm going to die at 52
Which is a possibility
You never know when you're gonna die

My Mom: Right... well I never suggested you go bang with me.... so... midlife what?

Me: crisis

My Mom: Choking... yeah... right... you see me driving around in a red sports car... with some blonde dude with a pony tail blowing in the wind?

Me: No, but you think you live in a crib

My Mom: This is a muther fucking crib.... where you been?

Me: Not in the hood
Incidentally, the hood is a place that you have never been to either, friend

My Mom: Roll with that.

Me: Do you ever chill it with a forty?

My Mom: A forty of old english?
That would be fourty oz's of beer...

Me: There is no u in forty

My Mom: Right.. You ever hit an all night poker game.. and walk away.... with most of the take?
You ever deal pounds of pot... just to make some extra cash?

Me: No, I haven't

My Mom: Well... then... I'm so cute... and never hung in the hood.

Me: What are you talking about?
And may I post this part of the conversation to my blog?

My Mom: No... I have no interest in being busted by the feds... yeah... when you were little I banged

Me: You did not
This is going on my blog

My Mom: Oh god... you are so cute...I used to kick it.. I've been real good for years.

Me: That is not true
And anyway, 'kicking it' still doesn't mean that you ever lived in the hood

My Mom: Oh... as I laugh... whatever... and I never LIVED in the hood... I walked in and out...

Me: You did not

My Mom: Umm... right... you are totally correct... I never delt drugs... don't know no hookers... and I'm so sweet.

Me: What is wrong with you mom? You know I'm posting this to my blog, this is funny stuff.

My Mom: You are twenty six years old... you want me to LIE to you?

Me: Look, mom you never lived in the hood. You are not from any part of the city

My Mom: Laughing.... hey... do what you want to... I got busted into TWICE... hid it from you guys. South Lansing...

Me: Well, South Lansing is rough

My Mom: Nah... not too bad... less you piss off some gang members... oops.

Me: This getting really funny
This is gonna be a great blog post

My Mom: I never banged... just kicked it... and well can be mean. I'm not trying to be a hard ass... and no reason to do that for you... truth.. is hard.
shrug... and you think I'm a little old lady... roll with it. I was too candid anyway.

Me: You're having a midlife crisis and you're reacting oddly

My Mom: OOOOHHHH you better hope you aren't running a log... like I never went banging?

Me: No, I don't think you've ever gone banging

My Mom: You are delightful... and well raised.
I'm sure your mother is proud.

Me: Thank you
************
Does ANYONE else have to deal with weird crap like this, or is it just me?
9:39 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove