Conspiracy Theory

Everyone loves a good conspiracy theory.

I love the theory that the whole moon landing was staged, and that we only pretended to go to the moon so that we would look smarter than the Russians.

Conspiracy theories are just fun in general, that's why I have decided to make up one of my very own.

I hope that if anyone actually reads this that they will not be offended, most especially considering the fact this just a fun little conspiracy theory that I made up myself.

It goes like this:

The Canadians would like to take the over United States of America.

Now, Canadians are civilized, clean living, and intelligent.
They are not terrorists. They do not have camps set up in order to train terrorist and other horrible things.

Oh no. Not the Canadians.

Instead, the Canadians have camps to train politicians. Young upstart Canadian lawyers join up with these camps in order to learn how to take the USA down.

Since this Canadian takeover is a relatively new endeavor, the Canadians started with the great state of Michigan because it is so close to Canada.

They groomed several young people, and then sent them off to try to become governor of Michigan. It worked!

With the help of thousands of Canadians, disguised as Michigan residents, the Canadian governor Jennifer Granholm was elected to lead our state.

Now, please, this is JUST a conspiracy theory, one I made up myself, so don't become offended when I tell you that one of the Canadian goals was to close all the auto factories here because they were tired of the pollution that has been billowing out of those factories and polluting their country for years.

After the factories closed, the residents of Michigan began their great migration, with thousands of people forced to move out of the state in search of new work; which was, of course, exactly what the Canadian government had hoped would happen.

Slowly, the people are moving out, and soon, the state will be completely evacuated.

This is step two, of the great Canadian take over.

Step three is the total closing down of the State of Michigan.

I don't really know why no one but me has pointed out the fact that a Canadian person wants to shut down the State of Michigan and no eyebrows have been raised in suspicion.

Clearly, the State of Michigan shutdown was all part of a master plan, devised by the Canadians.

After everyone has moved out of Michigan, and the state has shut down completely, there will be nothing left for our governor to do but to gift the great state of Michigan to Canada.

Soon, according to this theory, the next governor of Ohio will also be a Canadian. Following in the footsteps of the Michigan governor, Ohio will soon be evacuated and then shut down as well.

State after state will follow suit and the great Canadian takeover will be well underway.

The Canadians are a brilliant people. Their plan is a non hostile takeover of this country.

Soon, their empire will spread to include all of North America.

Eventually, we will be backed into a corner, and we will have to surrender, or else continue to flee southward.

You might as well just give up now, throw in the towel, and swear your allegiance to our neighbors of the north.

That's what I'm gonna do. I'm even practicing the Canadian National Anthem.

It goes like this. I think everyone should start memorizing it:

O Canada! Our home and native land!

True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Deep Thoughts

You know, I really like Jack Handy. I wonder if my deep thoughts could ever be as good as his? Here is my attempt:

I wonder why very religious people are so down on birth control. I mean, if you
believe in immaculate conception, doesn't it stand to reason that mother Mary would have gotten pregnant even if she was on the pill?

I know if you go blind that you can get a seeing eye dog. But can you get a seeing eye parrot? I think a Seeing Eye parrot would be better than a seeing eye dog because then it could talk to you. Instead of the dog just pulling you around, the parrot could scream stuff like, "Watch out for that bus!"

I wonder if you failed an IQ test, but you also had an exhaust leak in your car, would the people who gave you the exam adjust your score to compensate for the points you lost due to the inhalation of the exhaust fumes?

If 2% milk is really just 98% water, I wonder why people don't just mix their own 2% milk. If you got a jug of spring water, and jug of whole milk, I'll bet you could mix lots of gallons of 2% milk yourself and then sell them to your friends.

Have you ever talked to someone who claims they were lost, but they are telling you about it while they are at home? To those kinds of people I always say, "How could you be lost? You're standing right here."

You know, a good joke you could tell your mother would be to say, "When they were handing out moms, I thought they said 'bombs' so I asked for a dud." I think that would be a funny thing to put on a cup to give to your mom for mother's day.

Selling your teeth

I was watching a special on the history channel about how these scientists and historians were trying to find out what George Washington looked like at the age of 25.

The whole endeavor seemed pointless and stupid to me.

At first, all I could think of was that I just hoped they didn't get a government grant in order to pursue their research.

Every time I see people getting grants for stupid research, I just start to thinking about how bad the Michigan economy is, and of how we should recall our governor, and then declare this place a state of emergency.

We need the government's help to save our state, and the government should not be wasting the precious funds that Michigan needs in order to figure out stupid shit, like what George Washington looked like at the age of 25.

Anyway, I was watching the show and getting kinda pissed, but I still learned a fact so graphic and horrific, I almost vomited into my own hand.

While they were talking about how George Washington would look different with teeth, and altering his face with a computer program, the researchers mentioned that dentures were made with real human teeth, back in Washington's day.

In fact, they would pay a person quit a bit for a tooth. Not a whole lot, but enough to get you through a cold winter.

Now, I know a lot of broke people. And when I heard the tooth thing, I just had this image flash before my eyes of a person I know with a pair of pliers, pulling out their own teeth.

I almost barfed.

Oh man, it would be horrible if they were still paying for teeth.

And I'll bet people used to pry teeth out of the mouths of dead bodies and sell the teeth. And people would hold you down, I'll bet, and rip out your teeth.

I'm making myself sick over here.

I'm just so glad that nobody who I know personally has ever taken a pair of pliers and pulled out their teeth so that they can sell them.

I mean, I know someone who sells her own plasma.

I know someone else who would love to sell one of her eggs, and anther person who is trying to figure out how to sell a testicle.

But thank God they're not jerking out their own teeth.

Oh, it was the grosses thing that ever flashed before my eyes.

The past is definitely a place that I am glad I'm not living in.

Long live the dentist! And dentures made of synthetic materials.

Why I’m Crazy

I know I'm not sane, but I try not to let it get me down.

I guess it's just one of those things that I have come to accept over the years.

Usually, I try not to talk too much in public, or around strangers, for fear of saying the wrong thing and coming across as 'odd'.

That's one of the reasons why I don't drink.

Last time I got REALLY drunk, I cornered some guy at a party and gave him a long lecture about his subconscious mind, and how he needed to think positive thoughts.

I kept telling him that he was beautiful, and that he just needed to love himself.

He told me that I was the nicest drunk girl he'd ever met.

Unfortunately, he also thought I was after him, when really I was just trying to give him some therapy.

Still to this day, every time I see him he gets this big grin, like, 'Yeah, drunk girl thinks I'm cute.'

Actually, drunk girl thinks you need better self esteem, thank you.

I've made myself look pretty stupid while I was drunk, and that's the truth.

I also have a slight fear of returning to see my dentist, since I made myself look pretty stupid there too, while I was high on nitrous oxide.

They just sent me a post card to tell me that I am now due for a tooth cleaning.

But I don't know if I want to go back there after what happened last time.

One of my old fillings had popped out and so I had made an emergency appointment to see the dentist.

When I got there, they were already slightly disgusted with me because I had exaggerated the condition of my tooth in order to get an emergency appointment.

I told the receptionist that I was pretty sure there was no tooth left, and that it was oozing green stuff.

In all actuality, all I had was a little hole in the side of my tooth, so the dental hygienist didn't seem to think I was as bad off as I thought I was.

I still needed a filling, but I panicked really badly when the dentist tried to give me the shot of novican that he seemed to think I needed for my tooth.

I told the dentist that instead of giving me a shot, I'd much rather just go it with no pain killer, or maybe I'd accept a little nitrous oxide.

The dentist told me that that was the 'man's way' of getting your teeth filled.

I told him that I didn't care about that, but there was no way I was getting a shot because shots hurt too bad.

So he gave me nitrous oxide. And I don't know what happened to me, but I had just finished reading, 'The Tao of Physics' so I felt inclined to ask the dentist questions about the nature of personal reality.

I asked him stuff like, "If everything was really is energy, where does the gas mask end, and my face began?"

The dentist said he didn't know.

Then, since I was high I think, I asked him if he ever thought about what thoughts were.

"Are thoughts energy?" I asked, "And if so, if they are, they must add to the collective energy of the world. Don't you think? And if so, clearly, thoughts help to shape your personal reality."

I was so high; it was like I was drunk.

The dentist asked me if I would be ok to drive home.

I told him I thought I would be, but that the nitrous oxide incident would remind me always of why I shouldn't drink.

I'm too weird sober. I don't need to drink. I just get really strange.

I Don’t like The Randomness of Life

Well, I just watched the most disturbing episode of 'Forensics Files' ever.

This guy named Bob got married to this evil woman whose name I can't remember.

After they had been married for two months, Bob made his new wife the sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy in the event of his death.

The very next day, his wife began adding rat poison to Bob's tea.

The hair analysis that the scientists did on poor Bob's hair indicated that he had been slowly poisoned for over a year before he was finally made so ill that he had to go to the hospital.

There, in the hospital, his wife came to visit him, and while she stayed in his room, she added a large amount of rat poison to his soda, in order to finish him off.

Then, when they pulled the plug on Bob, his wife insisted on staying in the room in order to watch him die.

The most disturbing part of the whole show was the fact that this woman decided to kill her husband so soon.

She didn't even wait to see if she liked him, she just cut right to the chase and killed him at the very beginning.

I think two months is still the 'honeymoon' stage of being married, too.

The whole time, I just kept thinking to myself, "Why did this have to happen to Bob? Was it just bad luck? Or was there a point?"

Do you think there was a higher purpose, or a greater plan, that God had for Bob regarding the rat poisoning death? Or do you think it was just totally random and Bob just married the wrong person?

It's very frightening to think that Bob was just in the wrong place at the wrong time when he met his wife.

After I saw that disturbing show, I then watched another one where these people were trying to hire a hit man to kill their son.

Unfortunately, these people did not contact a real hit man, but rather, an undercover police officer.

Once again, I was reminded of the randomness of life.

How is it that some people can contact a real hit man, and then other people accidentally contact the police when they want to put the hit on someone?

Is life just totally random?

Is there a point to anything?

And is it safe for anyone to take a life insurance policy out on themselves?

I'm not just talking about married people, if you're married then a life insurance policy is obviously some sort of a death sentence, so I would never get one.

But is it safe to take a life insurance policy out on yourself at all?

I am beginning to think that you should never trust anyone with large sums of money in the event of your death.

I think when it comes to life insurance, anything more than what is needed to cover funeral costs is a really bad idea.

Life insurance really isn't the point though; it's the creepy randomness of life that is the real issue.

If you knew who the real hit man was, or if your wife would feed you poison, then you'd make better life choices.

You wouldn't take risks that would never work out for you if you knew how to make safe decisions.

If you knew, 100%, that if you married Betty or Sarah, or Dave, or Joe, that they wouldn't kill you at a later time, then it would be safer to get married.

If you knew where to go in order to find real help, real services, and real advice—and not just con artists and the cops, this world would be a much better place.

What Are You talking About?

I just read in Star Magazine, page 94, that the singer Lilly Allen has been banished from the United State because she lost her passport.

What are they talking about?

We don't "banish" people from the USA.

If she really wants to come into this country, all she has to so is fly into Mexico and then walk up.

That's what I'd do if they ever tried to banish me if I was a famous foreign person.

They've even got water stands all set up in the desert for people like her.

She could walk through the desert while MTV filmed her journey.

I'll bet it would be great publicity for her tour.

Then, once she gets here, all she has to do is nip on over to that state (I can't remember which state it is now) that's giving ID's and voters' registration cards out to illegal immigrants, and get herself all signed up as a resident.

Once she can vote, then they can't kick her out. There's no possible way.

Lily Allen can become the face for all the Illegal aliens in our country.

She's rich too, so I'll bet she could afford to run ads on TV devoted to her cause.

I mean, I really just don't understand how Lily Allen could possibly have been banished.

We have illegal aliens marching for their rights, and yet, they're not going to let a famous singer come into the country to go on tour because she 'lost' her passport?

You know what I really think about this issue, don't you?

I think whoever told this Lily Allen person that she couldn't go on tour here because of her passport issues just doesn't like her singing.

And you have to admit, to have the power to refuse to allow Lily Allen into the country because you don't like her, is just awesome.

If I had the power to banish famous people, and tell them that they are 'illegal' for whatever reason I made up, I'd do it.

I'd ban Madonna, that's for sure. I think she's pretensions. She's living in England now anyway, but I'd get her if she ever came back.

If Madonna ever tried to come back here, and I was in charge, I'd just rip her social security card right up in front of her and then just be like, "Too bad. I guess you aren't a citizen here anymore."

For all you Bush haters out there, I'll bet we could plant phony evidence claiming that Bush was actually born in Canada, and then get him deported as well.

It would be fun to watch him get deported on the news.

I'll bet he'd be madder than hell.

"I'm an American. My dad was the president!"

Then we could all just be like, "That's not what it says on your birth certificate, you cannuck."

Maybe we could get rid of Britney Spears the same way?

Why doesn't anyone ever think of these things but me?

There's quite a few 'actual' foreign celebrities I think we should kick out too.

'Posh Spice' from the Spice Girls, and her husband David Bekham, the soccer player, they need to be deported.

I think we should get rid of Russell Crowe too.

Man, I wish I was' Dictator For Life' of this country, there would some major changes around here, that's for sure.

The Saddest Movie Out there.

I just watched, 'Blow' which is the saddest movie I think I've ever seen.

In Blow, there's this drug lord, played by Johnny Depp, who just keeps getting screwed over.

First, he made a fortune selling marijuana, but then his horrible mother called the cops on him and had him sent to prison.

While in prison, this guy made friends with another convict, and they got the idea of selling the cocaine they got from Columbia in the States.

The movie is really sad because every time the main character turns around, somebody screws him over.

His fiancée dies, tragically, from cancer. That was really sad.

Then, after that, he marries this horrible Columbian woman, who just wants his money.

Then, his friend betrays him, and he gets cut out of the drug dealing loop.

And he started off looking like Johnny Depp, and quite attractive, until he was beaten by these Columbian drug lords, and then he just starts to look bad.

His nose got all twisted, and he got really fat.

That movie makes me cry every time I watch it.

There are only two movies I've ever seen that have made me cry.

One was 'Braveheart', when they killed William Wallace. And the other sad movie is 'Blow'.

I just get weepy every time I watch that damn movie.

Towards the end, this poor guy loses all the money he was keeping in a bank in Columbia, and then he gets busted by the Feds too, and has to go to prison.

When he finally gets out, he tries to make some money by doing only one more major drug business negotiation so that he can somehow get full custody of his daughter and then move way.

But instead of it working out for him, his friends just set him up and then sent him to prison for the rest of his life.

You know, I don't care if someone is a drug lord, if they are your friend, you can't screw them over like that just to save your own ass.

By the end of the movie, Johnny Depp looks like hell. All he wants, in the end, is for his daughter to visit him, but she won't do it.

You know, I'd go see my dad if he was in prison right now. Especially if all he went in for was being a drug dealer.

I'd go visit my dad no matter where he lived.

That movie just makes me so sad.

It's one of the most depressing movies out there, for sure.