Conspiracy Theory

Everyone loves a good conspiracy theory.

I love the theory that the whole moon landing was staged, and that we only pretended to go to the moon so that we would look smarter than the Russians.

Conspiracy theories are just fun in general, that's why I have decided to make up one of my very own.

I hope that if anyone actually reads this that they will not be offended, most especially considering the fact this just a fun little conspiracy theory that I made up myself.

It goes like this:

The Canadians would like to take the over United States of America.

Now, Canadians are civilized, clean living, and intelligent.
They are not terrorists. They do not have camps set up in order to train terrorist and other horrible things.

Oh no. Not the Canadians.

Instead, the Canadians have camps to train politicians. Young upstart Canadian lawyers join up with these camps in order to learn how to take the USA down.

Since this Canadian takeover is a relatively new endeavor, the Canadians started with the great state of Michigan because it is so close to Canada.

They groomed several young people, and then sent them off to try to become governor of Michigan. It worked!

With the help of thousands of Canadians, disguised as Michigan residents, the Canadian governor Jennifer Granholm was elected to lead our state.

Now, please, this is JUST a conspiracy theory, one I made up myself, so don't become offended when I tell you that one of the Canadian goals was to close all the auto factories here because they were tired of the pollution that has been billowing out of those factories and polluting their country for years.

After the factories closed, the residents of Michigan began their great migration, with thousands of people forced to move out of the state in search of new work; which was, of course, exactly what the Canadian government had hoped would happen.

Slowly, the people are moving out, and soon, the state will be completely evacuated.

This is step two, of the great Canadian take over.

Step three is the total closing down of the State of Michigan.

I don't really know why no one but me has pointed out the fact that a Canadian person wants to shut down the State of Michigan and no eyebrows have been raised in suspicion.

Clearly, the State of Michigan shutdown was all part of a master plan, devised by the Canadians.

After everyone has moved out of Michigan, and the state has shut down completely, there will be nothing left for our governor to do but to gift the great state of Michigan to Canada.

Soon, according to this theory, the next governor of Ohio will also be a Canadian. Following in the footsteps of the Michigan governor, Ohio will soon be evacuated and then shut down as well.

State after state will follow suit and the great Canadian takeover will be well underway.

The Canadians are a brilliant people. Their plan is a non hostile takeover of this country.

Soon, their empire will spread to include all of North America.

Eventually, we will be backed into a corner, and we will have to surrender, or else continue to flee southward.

You might as well just give up now, throw in the towel, and swear your allegiance to our neighbors of the north.

That's what I'm gonna do. I'm even practicing the Canadian National Anthem.

It goes like this. I think everyone should start memorizing it:

O Canada! Our home and native land!

True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Deep Thoughts

You know, I really like Jack Handy. I wonder if my deep thoughts could ever be as good as his? Here is my attempt:

I wonder why very religious people are so down on birth control. I mean, if you
believe in immaculate conception, doesn't it stand to reason that mother Mary would have gotten pregnant even if she was on the pill?

I know if you go blind that you can get a seeing eye dog. But can you get a seeing eye parrot? I think a Seeing Eye parrot would be better than a seeing eye dog because then it could talk to you. Instead of the dog just pulling you around, the parrot could scream stuff like, "Watch out for that bus!"

I wonder if you failed an IQ test, but you also had an exhaust leak in your car, would the people who gave you the exam adjust your score to compensate for the points you lost due to the inhalation of the exhaust fumes?

If 2% milk is really just 98% water, I wonder why people don't just mix their own 2% milk. If you got a jug of spring water, and jug of whole milk, I'll bet you could mix lots of gallons of 2% milk yourself and then sell them to your friends.

Have you ever talked to someone who claims they were lost, but they are telling you about it while they are at home? To those kinds of people I always say, "How could you be lost? You're standing right here."

You know, a good joke you could tell your mother would be to say, "When they were handing out moms, I thought they said 'bombs' so I asked for a dud." I think that would be a funny thing to put on a cup to give to your mom for mother's day.

Selling your teeth

I was watching a special on the history channel about how these scientists and historians were trying to find out what George Washington looked like at the age of 25.

The whole endeavor seemed pointless and stupid to me.

At first, all I could think of was that I just hoped they didn't get a government grant in order to pursue their research.

Every time I see people getting grants for stupid research, I just start to thinking about how bad the Michigan economy is, and of how we should recall our governor, and then declare this place a state of emergency.

We need the government's help to save our state, and the government should not be wasting the precious funds that Michigan needs in order to figure out stupid shit, like what George Washington looked like at the age of 25.

Anyway, I was watching the show and getting kinda pissed, but I still learned a fact so graphic and horrific, I almost vomited into my own hand.

While they were talking about how George Washington would look different with teeth, and altering his face with a computer program, the researchers mentioned that dentures were made with real human teeth, back in Washington's day.

In fact, they would pay a person quit a bit for a tooth. Not a whole lot, but enough to get you through a cold winter.

Now, I know a lot of broke people. And when I heard the tooth thing, I just had this image flash before my eyes of a person I know with a pair of pliers, pulling out their own teeth.

I almost barfed.

Oh man, it would be horrible if they were still paying for teeth.

And I'll bet people used to pry teeth out of the mouths of dead bodies and sell the teeth. And people would hold you down, I'll bet, and rip out your teeth.

I'm making myself sick over here.

I'm just so glad that nobody who I know personally has ever taken a pair of pliers and pulled out their teeth so that they can sell them.

I mean, I know someone who sells her own plasma.

I know someone else who would love to sell one of her eggs, and anther person who is trying to figure out how to sell a testicle.

But thank God they're not jerking out their own teeth.

Oh, it was the grosses thing that ever flashed before my eyes.

The past is definitely a place that I am glad I'm not living in.

Long live the dentist! And dentures made of synthetic materials.