The Perfect Crime

I don't advocate crimes. I'm not a criminal, and even if I was, I'd probably be a bank embezzler, or something cool like that.
However, I have been watching a "Forensic Files" marathon on TV, so I'd like to point a few things out to the killers of the world, and ask a few questions.

First of all if you're gonna 'get' somebody, it seems obvious to me that you'd better not leave any sort of DNA evidence behind. What this means is, is that if you don't want to get caught, you'd better wax your whole body, including your eyebrows and eyelashes, and shave your head too. You don't want to leave any hair behind.

And don't smoke cigarettes and leave them on the ground. And don't ever spit out you gum. One guy got caught for murder because they matched his chewing gum to the groves on his back teeth.

Another thing is, don't touch anything. If you're gonna be a criminal, you either have to do away with your finger prints in some way, perhaps surgically or maybe even with a strong acid or something, or else at least wear gloves.

And don't wear any clothing. All crimes should be committed in the nude due to the fact that forensic scientists can match pretty much any small bit of thread they may find to your clothes, or your victim's clothes. So I say, if you wanna commit a crime, go naked.

Some idiot on one of those shows went around killing people, but forgot that since he worked in a machine shop he had little metal shavings all over himself, and so he left little metal shavings all over his victims.

It took them like a week to track that moron down.

Another thing too, that I'd like to ask these criminals, is why do they drive around in their own car while engaging in criminal activities?

You can bet your boots that if I was gonna be part of any crime, I sure as hell would have a borrowed vehicle. Preferable a borrowed vehicle from someone who I didn't know.

It would be a friend of a friend of a friend's care, for sure.

And even if a criminal has no other option but to take their own car, why does their car have their real license plate on it?

Here's another question for you, if you're going to kill your husband or your wife, WHY would you do it only a few weeks after you've taken out a huge life insurance policy on them? What the hell are these people thinking? You have to at least try not to look like a suspect.

It is way too common that some person will take a life insurance policy out on their spouse, and then not even a week later, their spouse will die 'accidentally'.

Like hello stupid, at least wait for the ink to dry on the insurance policy before you hire the hit man.

Why are these people so stupid?

And why are people always trying to 'get rid of the body'? IT NEVER WORKS.

I say, just leave the body there and get the hell out of the place. I mean come on, these idiots move the body and then there's fibers from the carpet in the car all over the body. Or they get blood all over the seat.

What, are you stupid?

And one more thing, for the love of God, don't confess your crime to ANYONE. Don't brag about it either.

If you have to tell someone, sit down and give your dog a graphic account of what you did. Don't tell people. People will tell the cops.

And why keep the murder weapon? What's the point of keeping the knife? One guy left the knife he killed someone with ON TOP OF HIS REFRIGERATOR AND IT WAS STILL BLOODY.

Why would anyone do that?

And why do criminals think that if they clean up the blood with regular cleaning products, that the blood is 'gone'?

It's not gone, their gonna shine a light on the floor and every place that glows is where the blood was, you moron.

You have to at least try to get the iron out.

Further more, if the cops come and ask you if you were involved in a crime, don't deny it, but then go into graphic detail about what you would have done had you done it, WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Criminals are some of the stupidest people ever. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are some very intelligent ones out there, but on the whole, they're a bunch of idiots.
6:10 PM - 7 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remo